The Onion
Deciding Vote On Wetlands Preservation Bill Rests With The Littlest Senator
WASHINGTON, DC?Congress narrowly passed the McCann-Hawkins Florida Wetlands Preservation Bill Tuesday, with the deciding vote coming from an unlikely source: Sen. Dwight Q. Peabody (D-RI), the Littlest Senator.
5 Jul 2008 at 12:00am
Vatican Tightens Nocturnal Emissions Standards
VATICAN CITY?The Vatican has released a strict new set of Church laws intended to reduce the nocturnal emissions of teenage polluters by 50 percent in the next decade, Cardinal Antoni Bertoli announced Monday.
5 Jul 2008 at 1:00am
Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 49, Save Rabbit
NORFOLK, VA?In what has been dubbed the most "devastating and brutal siege in the history of animal-rights activism," an elite, paramilitary squad of commandos from People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals (PETA) attacked and killed 49 employees at Couture Cosmetics' Norfolk, VA, research facility while saving a rabbit during a daring midnight raid Monday.
5 Jul 2008 at 2:00am
Nameless Hurricane That Much More Terrifying
MIAMI—Thousands have already fled the popularly dubbed "Hurricane That Shall Not Be Named," to escape its destructive winds and chilling impersonality.
5 Jul 2008 at 3:00am
Bush Acknowledges Existence Of Carbon Dioxide
"We can no longer ignore the facts — carbon dioxide is real," Bush said.
5 Jul 2008 at 4:00am
Stuffed-Animal Biodiversity Rising
WASHINGTON, DC?According to a World Wildlife Fund study released Monday, stuffed-animal biodiversity is rapidly rising, with the number of species available in plush form up nearly 800 percent since 1990.
5 Jul 2008 at 5:00am
Climatologists Secure Funding To Breed Glaciers In Captivity
FAIRBANKS, AK—Researchers from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration received a $42 million federal grant for a...
5 Jul 2008 at 6:00am
Senate Subcommittee On Energy And Water Development More Like A Family
WASHINGTON, DC? Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM), ranking Republican on the Senate Subcommittee on Energy and Water Development, revealed Monday that the group is "less a Senate subcommittee than a big family. "[Senator] Harry [Reid (D-NV)] isn't just chairman of our subcommittee. He's more like a dad to us," Domenici said. "We can talk to him about anything that's troubling us, even if it has nothing to do with the allocation of hydroelectric power."
5 Jul 2008 at 7:00am
Tomato Genetically Modified To Be More Expensive
PASADENA, CA—Geneticists at the California Institute of Technology announced Monday that they have developed a tomato with a 31 percent larger...
5 Jul 2008 at 8:00am
[audio] Endangered Manatee Struggles To Make Self Understood To Congress
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
5 Jul 2008 at 9:00am
[audio] Arizona Burned To Stop California Wildfire
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
5 Jul 2008 at 10:00am
[audio] New Alternative Fuel SUV Will Deplete World's Hydrogen By 2070
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
5 Jul 2008 at 11:00am
Bald Eagles Thriving
A recent survey indicated that bald eagles would soon be taken off the endangered-species list. What do you think?
5 Jul 2008 at 12:00pm
Polluting Nations Endorse Greenhouse-Gas Plan
Six of the nations that produce the highest volume of greenhouse gases have endorsed a voluntary plan that will reduce emissions 30 percent by 2050....
5 Jul 2008 at 1:00pm
Honeybees Dying Mysteriously
American honeybees are being wiped out in record numbers by a mysterious illness. What do you think?
5 Jul 2008 at 2:00pm
Snopes.com
Doug Christie
Did the NBA's Doug Christie nearly choke to death when his wife refused to allow a female doctor to assist him?
4 Jul 2008 at 10:00am
Lock Stalk
Warning claims thieves armed with "code grabbers" gain access to vehicles by recording signals sent by remote keyless entry devices.
3 Jul 2008 at 10:00am
Shafted
A golfer angered by a bad shot is killed by the club he threw in frustration.
2 Jul 2008 at 10:00am
Getting the Points
Canada Day rumor: The eleven points on the maple leaf of Canada's flag represent the number of Canadian provinces and territories.
1 Jul 2008 at 10:00am
The Most Beautiful Girl
Photographs show the winner of Thailand's Miss Transvestite contest?
30 Jun 2008 at 10:00am
Forty Years
Robert F. Kennedy's "prediction" about a black man's becoming President of the U.S.
29 Jun 2008 at 10:00am
George Carlin on Aging
The death of comedian George Carlin has prompted a resurgence of interest in the "George Carlin on Aging" piece. But did he really write it?
27 Jun 2008 at 10:00am
Lost Fortunes
Tales of inadequately safeguarded winning lottery tickets lost.
26 Jun 2008 at 10:00am
Amazing Catch
Video purportedly shows a ball girl making an amazing catch at a minor league baseball game.
25 Jun 2008 at 10:00am
Sorry, Wrong Number
After being tricked into believing he's won the lottery, a man makes startling admissions prior to walking out on those closest to him.
24 Jun 2008 at 10:00am
Later Gator
Alligator captured in the Chicago River! Was it really the first?
23 Jun 2008 at 10:00am
Narrow Interview
Did an ABC News report deliberately slant the presidential candidate preferences expressed by U.S. soldiers in Iraq?
22 Jun 2008 at 10:00am
57 States
Did Barack Obama say that he had visited 'fifty-seven states'?
20 Jun 2008 at 10:00am
Native Son
Does Barack Obama not qualify as a natural-born citizen of the U.S. because his mother was too young?
19 Jun 2008 at 10:00am
Iowa Tornado
Photograph purportedly shows a tornado that killed four Boy Scouts in Iowa.
18 Jun 2008 at 10:00am
Get Your War On
fighting techniques ~ 3/14/08
filing techniques ~ 3/14/08
get your war on!!! ~ 5/15/08
adv. of conf. of st. aug. br. ~ 8/10/07
Riding In A Fighter Plane And Getting Shot Down And What It Qualifies You For
Here Comes the Sun.
Thomas Friedman "Suck-on-this" Anniversary Celebratory Book Excerpt!
Betty Bowers
Betty Explains ?Prayer? to Everyone Else
NOTE: This is a High Definition video and is best viewed by selecting “Watch in High Quality” (this option appears below the number of “VIEWS” directly under the video on YouTube).
GO HERE to watch this video on YouTube or to change your settings.
21 Jun 2008 at 8:57am
Why I?m Voting Republican
(Please open the article to see the flash file or player.)
12 Jun 2008 at 10:55am
The Fascist Follies
There is something both odd and irritating about watching a political leader blithely singing a silly song as he otherwise destroys his country. Was it Nero who laid the groundwork for this nettlesome counterpoint of music and mirth vs. madness and mayhem? I’m sure many of you heard our Glorious Leader singing, with impish frivolity, a [...]
22 May 2008 at 7:56am
Fairly Unbalanced
While it is generally acknowledged that corporations don’t have hearts, they apparently have feelings, tetchy feelings that are easy to both hurt and inflame. Why else would Fox New be acting like a petulant character in Mean Girls, engaging in a pissy fight with one of its frenemies in the world of corporate media?
In today’s [...]
19 May 2008 at 2:19pm
Obama vs. Clinton ? McCain vs. McCain
(Please open the article to see the flash file or player.)
As you can see, Demon-crats are up to their usual, underhanded trickery: Using what Mr. McCain says on one day to contradict what he said on a completely different day! It’s sad that the liberals are so bereft of words that they must resort to [...]
18 May 2008 at 2:38pm
Oh, Really!
See more funny videos at CollegeHumor
Author of books for children, Bill O’Reilly, can always be counted on to bring the crazy, but this is a rather wonderful display. Now, I don’t wish to gossip, but I wonder if that, ur, sniffing and, um, licking of lips had anything to do with the outburst.
12 May 2008 at 2:01pm
Killing Off the Cooked Goose Instead of the Lame Duck
SNL usually employs a delicate touch when it comes to making fun of politicians. The intentions are broad and the execution silly, so as not to unduly offend the tetchy sensibilities of an America now divided between people who use the noun “libs” and those who know the difference between a noun and an adjective. [...]
11 May 2008 at 2:24pm
Scold ?Em When They?re Down
(Please open the article to see the flash file or player.)
Our First Lady Laura “Pickles” Bush is just as dynamic a public speaker as sleepy, old John McCain. Whenever he isn’t screaming and red-faced, I’m never sure if John will remain interested enough in what he is saying to actually finish any given sentence. And [...]
6 May 2008 at 4:14pm
Act of God Kills 22,000 in Myanmar
Jesus wanted to help them — truly, He did — but He answered Kanye West’s prayer for better reviews instead.
6 May 2008 at 1:50pm
The C Word ? And I Don?t Mean ?Christian?
(Please open the article to see the flash file or player.)
Honestly, what a vulgar question! Of course, the answer would have been equally shocking if Mr. McCain had not scrupulously skirted it by pretending to be above such profanity.
In his 1992 Senate bid, McCain was joined on the campaign trail by his wife, Cindy (who [...]
1 May 2008 at 8:15pm
|
